what happened to me…part 1

I have to ask forgiveness right this second.  I started this post at the beginning of November.  It is a soul-bearing post that I wasn’t quite ready to share, so I stuffed it in my Drafts folder.  Today, I decided, what the heck?  It’s time to put it out there.  I mean, I don’t know who reads this blog of mine and so far it hasn’t hindered my social standing, so those who are reading it aren’t embarrassed to be seen with me…  I also started this post with the intent of sharing with you the musings and pictures I came back with from my church’s women’s retreat.  Before I did that, I wanted to share some back story with you.  This post turned into mostly back story.  You’ll just have to wait to get the rest of the story – the photos and musings part.  Oh, and this post is really long…

So here we go…  I went on a women’s retreat with my church in October (my, how time flies) and had a lovely time.  It was a bit of a benchmark for me.  I went to the same retreat last year, but had only been attending the church for a few weeks at that time.  I knew a few of the ladies, but spent a lot of time alone…by choice.

Looking back, I realize that those were the early days of my impending depression.  It had not taken its full grip yet; ever so slowly creeping its way in, unnoticed.

There were three traumas in my life that began about four years ago.  I did not have the tools to deal with them, so I didn’t.  I couldn’t explain them or make sense of them, so I didn’t.  I carefully ignored them, tucking away the corners of them when they began to come loose in my mind.  I never allowed myself to think about them beyond a jarring thought in passing that would create a base emotion (fear, anger, sorrow) that I quickly shut the door on – mostly because good Christian girls don’t have fear or get angry or weep uncontrollably…or so I had let myself believe.

So there I was, outside of my normal way of functioning by being at a retreat where I knew only a few and had no responsibilities (responsibilities are a great way to avoid thinking and / or developing a relationship with someone else – see Luke 10:38-42).  The weather was perfect, as it often is on October days in Texas.  I wandered around the property.  I prayed.  I felt restless but didn’t know why.

Impending doom.

I’m not sure when it started, but somewhere around February, the crying started.  I’m not usually a cry-er.  I mean I’ll cry at a sad movie or when I get too tired and something frustrates me, but I’ve never really been a big cry-er.  Around this time, I cried a lot.  I couldn’t contain myself.  I couldn’t pull it together.  I couldn’t go anywhere because just about anything would set me off…”Hi Suzi, how are you?”  Crying.

I finally started staying home from work (it’s not quite as bad as it sounds…I work for my husband’s business and can do 85% of my job on a computer from home, but I needed to stay home, none-the-less).  Co-workers did worry about me and I was too embarrassed to tell the truth, so I told my husband he couldn’t tell them I was crying all the time.

I felt crazy.

Finally, through tears, I looked at my husband and said, “I think I might be depressed.”

I’ve always had a melancholy personality.  I’ve always preferred to be alone.  I’ve always been sort of even-tempered and not too terribly easy to excite…just sort of…normal.  But this was different.

I cried more.

Now, some days were better than others and along with the crying came the belief that I really was fine and it was just a phase.  In the midst of the crying, I would talk about needing to get help, but when I wasn’t crying, it wasn’t such a big deal and “I’ll be fine.”  Finally I made one of those deals with my husband…you know, the compulsive gambler gives his credit card to a trusted friend when they go to Vegas and says, “No matter what I say to you, do NOT give me back this credit card.  No matter how I beg or plead or try to convince you…do NOT give it to me until we’ve returned home.”  I said to him, “I need help.  No matter what I say to you tomorrow, I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t live like this.  I know there is something better for me and tomorrow I will think I can accomplish it on my own, but I can’t.  You have to help me.  You  have to find me a counselor and you have to make me an appointment.  I also want to get acupuncture.  You have to make me do it.  No matter what.”

I married a very good man.  He kept his promise.  (He does that a lot.)

The first thing my counselor said to me:

“Anger turned inward is depression.”

…to be continued…


3 thoughts on “what happened to me…part 1

  1. Suzi – thank you for sharing this information. I don’t know if I tell you enough how much I love you – but I love you sooooo much.

  2. I appreciate your openess!
    I have been reading your blog because I have been trying to loose weight and you’ve been an inspiration to me!

  3. Pingback: nobody knows who you are… « journey

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