be.

there is much to be done and much to be written.  many goals out there that would love to be accomplished.  there is health – mental, physical, emotional, relational.  there are ideals and higher and loftier achievements.  there is a picture of myself that is not yet developed, but i know what i hope it will look like.

push.  push.  push.  write down your goals and work every day to attain them.  work hard.  do only the things you know will lead you to success.  don’t do this or that or eat this or that or think this or that.  do this or that, eat this or that, think this or that.

no wonder i snapped.

no wonder i have retreated into a cave, seeking solitude to lick my wounds and recover my sense of self.

life is hard.  all of it.  even the easy parts are hard.

i am saying no.  i am turning down every offer and every new thing.  i am clearing off my plate, pulling the irons out of the fire, taking a retreat without going anywhere.  i am retreating from life and all the whirlwind it catches me up in.

no guilt.  no push.  no ought to’s or should have’s or why didn’t you’s.  just be.

this is difficult because i hate to let you down.  but the reality is, i cannot keep the pace i was keeping and live peacefully.  living that way involves much pain and many tears and a lot of not knowing what is the matter with me.

why can’t i just suck it up and deal?  i don’t know.  i just can’t.

take it easy on yourself.  baby yourself.  just be nice to yourself.  learn how to rest instead of multitasking while you rest (i can relax in the hammock, while i read this assignment, while i play with the kitty, while i water the plants…no…i can’t.)

do not abandon yourself to the grave.  be alive in your life as you are, but be who you are not who you ought to become.  rest.  be.

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